people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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