I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
