was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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