i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
