i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
