I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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