shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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