Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We had sex on a dog bed..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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