I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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