just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
