Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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