I could have mohawked her pubes.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
