So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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