She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
