just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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