I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
