You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
