My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
