Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
