Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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