Your face is a jimmy john
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
