id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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