i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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