i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
