Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
