I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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