so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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