Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
