I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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