yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
