Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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