I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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