im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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