i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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