Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
