I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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