I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
