I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
