One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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