yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
