i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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