There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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