I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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