Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
