You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
