The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
