so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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