so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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