I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
