she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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