Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
