how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm getting married
To pizza
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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