someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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