Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
