; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
