where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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