I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
