now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
