i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
