No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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