I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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